How the Christ stole Grinchmas: some mid-August holiday blasphemy

The idea is essentially the same as Dr. Seuss' original story. The protagonist steals the trappings of Christmas from the villagers in order to teach them a lesson. But I've tinkered with a few details, after being inspired by accidentally transposing two parts of the title, early in the morning when I was trying to go back to sleep.

(My inspiration seems to be opposed to the idea that I should ever get any sleep. Or maybe it's trying to persuade me to get to bed earlier so I can get up at four in the morning and write parodies before I go to work. Well, inspiration, you're in luck -- I'll soon be unemployed, so for at least a while, you'll be able to set your own schedule! Although you should know that I will put you to work writing cover letters.)

The tinkering also relates to something that's long rankled for me about the Grinch story. The Grinch learns that material possessions do not contain the true meaning of Christmas. And yet, how the Whos love those possessions! And the Grinch returns everything to the Whos at the end.

So, the story affirms the spiritual aspect of Christmas, but in a way that doesn't challenge the capitalist consumer culture that has been built on top of the original holiday. But then again, the Christians ripped the whole thing off from the Mithraists anyway. So perhaps in the apparent internal contradiction of Dr. Seuss' story, there's an unintentional point. But "Maybe Christmas, he thought, is a social construct" just doesn't quite have the same punchy quality....

I haven't bothered to rewrite the whole poem. Some spoofs are better off that way, as half-finished ideas.

Every Hah down in Hahville liked Grinchmas a lot.
But the Christ, who lived just above Hahville, did not.

The Christ hated Grinchmas! The whole Gmas season!
Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that whole Santa Claus deal.
It could be that watered-down "holiday" spiel.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was the fact that they'd replaced the Church with the Mall.

But whatever the reason, the Mall or the Claus,
He stood there on Grinchmas Eve hating the Hahs,
Staring down from his cloud with His beatific glowers
At the town full of Grinchmas lights on office towers.

For He knew every Hah down in Hahville below,
Was busy now, driving to stores through the snow.
"And they're maxing their credit cards!" He sadly wails,
"Then the day after Grinchmas, there's Boxing Day sales!"
Then, not for the first time, nor that controversial,
He thought, "Grinchmas has become way too commercial!" ...

And THEN they'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Hah down in Hahville, the tall and the small,
Would sit very still, moving scarcely an inch.
They'd sit and they'd re-tell the tale of the Grinch!
Not just Seuss or Karloff, but much, much more scary:
They'd watch the Grinch movie, the one with Jim Carrey.

And the more the Christ thought of the whole Grinch franchise,
The more He thought, "I must cut it down to size!
Why, for forty-eight years I've put up with it now.
I MUST stop this Grinchmas from coming. But how?" ...

And He mused, with a mania fit for a mystic,
"They'll soon learn to be less materialistic!
They're just waking up! I know just what I'll see!
They'll realize that presents aren't necessar-ee!
They'll do what they used to do -- they'll worship ME!" ...

But this sound wasn't glad! Why, this sound sounded... mad!
And the Christ got so scared that he called for His Dad. ...

And He puzzled three hours, the temperature dropping,
Then the Christ thought of something that set His heart hopping.
"Well, why the heck SHOULDN'T folks worship by shopping?
It's a seasonal festival. I'm just the topping!"

And what happened then? Well, in Hahville it's told
That the Christ overcame His aversion to gold.
And He signed up the Hahs to a credit card plan --
Did the Grinch ever do THAT? No, Christ is da man!
He opened a Wal-Mart, which did really well,
Driving Hahs' stores to bankruptcy -- but what the hell.