We all try. You succeed!

Christ, I can be a solipsistic git sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. I’ll try to keep this short so I don’t defeat the purpose.

People my age or younger being further ahead than me in their personal lives (having a social group, being in long-term relationships, getting married, having kids) isn’t what bothers me the most. It hits me harder in some cases than in others. Still, I can accept that I’ve been different that way from most people up until now, and that I’ll get there when I’m ready.

I measure progress my own way, like by the fact that I’ve been close friends with one person, and fairly good friends with another person who I know from somewhere else, for most of the time since I met them almost ten years ago. I wasn’t always that good at keeping friends.

What bothers me more is what others my age or younger are accomplishing in other areas of their lives that I’m not. Work, volunteering. It’s not like I’ve never had a perfectionist streak. I can be obsessive about a task when I need to be. I just feel I’ve wasted so much of the last several years of my life, rarely getting involved in activities and often putting in a half-hearted effort when I do. Friends encouraging me, and me disappointing them. Writing in an unfocused way, and then not publishing anything.

(Okay, make that a “solipsistic, maudlin git.” Sorry for beating myself up in public like this. You don’t have to watch if you’d prefer not to.)

As Martin Luther King said, “Life's most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” At least I don’t treat others any worse than I treat myself, but that’s not saying much. Like Rick at the start of Casablanca, I stick my neck out for nobody. Things happen in my life and the main thing I can do is think about how they affect my feelings.

It’s only recently occurred to me that one reason a person might come into my life is to kick my ass, by offering both encouragement and a positive example in the way they work hard and treat others well, despite having their own problems that get them down sometimes. And when a person drifts out of my life, I shouldn’t be too upset (unless I’ve done something wrong and there’s a way for me to apologize). Instead, I should think about how they’ve helped me, and how I can be more like them in a positive way. To toss in some more pop psychology, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

So no more goddamned snivelling. I’m already starting to change – I’m doing more in the way of volunteering and writing – but there’s even more I can do right now. Volunteer for an organization that helps people in a tangible way. Get something published, because making people laugh is a way of helping them.

My choice isn’t quite the same as Rick’s choice in Casablanca. There’s no Ilsa on the scene, at least not in any sense resembling that movie (which had a patronizingly sexist overtone by portraying Ilsa as unable to make her own choices. Okay, I digress). Still, like Rick, I’ve got a job to do. I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that my problems don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. (Some of my problems are real enough – it’s just that putting them in perspective can help in terms of working through them.) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, not so much with any one person as with people in general.

Will it make me worry less and sleep better? Will I find it easier to make friends and meet women? I like to think so, but that’s not really the point. I’m doing it because being selfish starts to get tiring after a while. I reserve the right to still mope a bit every once in a while. I’m just going to stop making a habit of it.

Anyway. Enough said.