Weird.

Ten years ago today was the last time I saw my mom. Sort of. It depends what I mean by that.

The last time I saw her conscious was at the end of August, the last time I saw her alive was Sept. 11, and the last time I saw her at all was Sept. 12, but in all three of those cases, it wasn't really her anymore. She went into the hospital on July 31, 1996, and was never the same person again after the operation she had the next day.

I guess the question is, do dreams count? She's in my dreams every once in a while, the circumstances varying quite a bit -- sometimes it's like nothing ever went wrong, sometimes it's like she recovered, sometimes it's like she survived but wasn't the same as before, sometimes it's like she died and came back.

She'd probably tell me to stop wasting time on philosophical questions like these, when I've got a lot of work to do looking for a new job and finishing up at my old one, and packing up to move. Certainly I've HEARD her many times in the last ten years, not in the sense of hearing her voice (it gets hard to remember just what she sounded like), but more in terms of knowing what she'd say in a situation, and repeating expressions of hers. More recently I've started to read her diary from when my sister and I were little kids. Hope to read more of it when I'm back at my dad's place this fall.

The paper... The paper....

Tossing out stuff from my office at work, starting with what I'm absolutely sure I don't need to keep for any reason. A good reminder of the utter futility of so much of what we do. Well, what I do, anyway.

Okay, everyone remember where we parked.

Continued from http://undrwatrmoonlyt.livejournal.com.